Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Top 10 Ways Top Gear Would be Different If Women Ran It


MaleInfluence, originally uploaded by carolsLittleWorld.

Recently, there have been some controversial laws being implemented in the UK, forcing state-run organizations to include more female presenters on popular TV shows. Even the producers of the Top Gear have commented on this in their recent blog posts.

Since we all knew it was only a matter of time before the "politically correct police" came and arrested the entire Top Gear crew (including, of course, my love, Stiggy) I thought it would be a nice idea to make some suggestions about females on the show, before, well, let's just say before they all wind up as cell mates in ye old Gravel Bay Maximum Security Penn (with none other than Ram himself.)

Here are the top 10 ways I think Top Gear would be different if woman ran the show:

Number 10: It'd be curtains for the Cool Wall. No, I'm not suggesting the women would actually get rid of the Cool Wall, rather they'd actually put curtains on it. Think a lovely mauve stripe with maybe a swag valance, and you're pretty much there. The cars on the cool wall, luckily, would not budge (women, it would appear, don't know enough about those pesky "engine thingies" to make informed decisions about a particular car's coolness.)

Number 9: All bickering replaced with "time outs" at the track. Now, we all know how this one would end, and you must admit, it doesn't bode well for the blokes ("No juice box for you, Jezza!")

Number 8: James May would be allowed on set (thanks to his hair) but only if he wore a dress (and maybe promised to shave.)

Number 7: Using rear view mirror to apply lipstick would become socially acceptable. (All presenters would be allowed to expense an infinite number of black racing boots as well)

Number 6: All references to Angelina Jolie replaced with Brad Pitt.

Number 5: All car reviews would feature a shopping bag tally. No more, "can we fit golf clubs in the boot?" style reviews, no, these would all be replaced with "how man bags in the boot?" reviews.

Number 4: All races would allow for additional time at the starting line to allow for applying make-up and fluffing hair.

Number 3: Cheap car challenge budgets could be expanded but only if you got the car "on sale," because, well, everybody knows you must have saved money if you got it "on sale," right?

Number 2: The car with the most number of cup holders would now be on top of the power lap board, regardless of how fast it goes round the track.

and, the number 1 way Top Gear would be different if girls ran the show:

Number 1: "Some say her wonderbra is made from pure titanium and that she once survived an entire week in Spain wearing only a string bikini and a matching white regulation crash helmet, all we know is...she's called....The Stigess."

Ah yes, imagine a pink Stig. I can see how the world would be a better place already. (In case your sarcasm detector is broken, pink Stig my ass. Please, please please, I beg of you, whatever powers that be out there-for the love of God, money, and great American muscle cars built before 1973, do not allow any female presenters on Top Gear. Ever.)

Until next "well, crap, what are they going to destroy next..."

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