This is what it is like when I go shopping.
Hmmm. There's a cart. I hope I don't hit it. I hope I don't park where they'll hit me. Damn. I hate this store. My car always gets hit with a cart here.
Bananas. I need bananas. And some charcoal and pencils for my drawing class. But, let's get the bananas first since this is, after all, a grocery story. Toilet paper. I wonder if I need toilet paper. Hey, look, they have that cool shoe/foot thing, where you take off your shoes, stand on it, and it tells you what kind of feet you have. I wonder what kind of feet I have. I don't want to take off my shoes, it's too cold out tonight. Besides, I'm wearing boots. And I don't even know what kind of boots I have. [Looks down] Oh, that's right, it's cold, so I'm wearing my furry, warm boots. Everybody is wearing furry warm boots, since it's so cold. Even though we all look ugly and unfashionable, we all have warm toes. I wonder if the machine tells you your toes are warm yet unfashionable after you put your soon-to-be cold feet into it. Hey, I wonder if I need a frozen pizza. Ha! I don't have to worry about it thawing out tonight. Dog food. I think Chase needs dog food. Milk. I wonder if I need milk. Didn't I come in here for fruit of some kind? Apples? Was it apples? I wonder if the pink lady apples are still in season. Man, I love those.
This annoying lady keeps parking her cart right in front of me. I hate when people do that. It's like she's some kind of passive aggressive manic shopping cart driver. Move out of my way, you be-atche. You better move or, I swear, I'm going to drive really fast, cut you off, stop right in front of you, and shout, "I am the Stig!" I might even flip you the bird. [Swerves cart quickly.] Take that you witch!
Let's see, what do we have on aisle five today? Oh no! Kids. I hate these people who bring their 16 children to the grocery store and let them run around like free roaming wildebeest. Shouldn't these enfant trribles be on a leash of some kind? Don't they have laws for that? Cereal. Do I need cereal? Maybe I'll get some of those frozen pizza nibble things. I like them. Even though I don't really know what they are called. What do you call a frozen pizza that's been cut up, rolled into little bite sized things, and then sold in a small box so you can microwave them? Frozen pizza nibble things is the best I can come up with because, well, right about now, I'm too tired to think of anything better. Besides, I've just been attacked by some annoying shopping cart driver and 16 free roaming unruly children. Words escape me at this point in time.
Oh man, they are re-stocking the bread aisle. It looks like it's not our cups but our daily bread that has runeth over. There are loaves everywhere. It's like attack of the Wonder kids in here. What are they doing? They are chucking loaves of bread all around. It's flying through the air. Note to self: watch for low-flying bread in aisle eight. Incoming! Duck! Four! Crap, somebody warn the next poor helpless sap who's just about to walk around the corner. Gee, I hope it's that lady with the 16 kids. Maybe she'll get lucky and they'll take one out? Nah, probably not. There's never any luck like that in the world when you really need it most.
Tea. I need some tea. It's cold out. I'll get some tea that way I can have tea with mint, honey, lemon, and other good stuff. I miss the Tea House in Santa Fe. That was a nice place, that Tea House was. Santa Fe. That was a nice place too. Hmm. Hey look! They have blue corn tortilla chips. That'll bring me back. Just like the Plaza. Hope I don't forget the salsa. I bet it's cold in the Plaza tonight. I bet it's freezing cold and everybody is wearing big Ugg boots, woolen ponchos, and those brightly-colored hats with the little strings that dangle down the side, by your ears. I don't know what those hats are called, but I bet they are all wearing them in Santa Fe right now. Yup. I bet there's tons of string dangling down everybody's ears in Santa Fe, right now, as I browse the vitamins and health food crap. It's either that or sit by the fire to keep warm and, heck, it's so cold, they're probably doing that too.
Speaking of fire, they have Duraflame logs on sale. I wonder who buys those? What, like you people never heard of a tree? What's wrong with burning lumber for a change? Fast food, fake boobs, and now even fake trees. What is this world coming to? It's like everybody's gone bananas.
Bananas. Oh! That's right! I came in here for bananas. Crap. Now they're all the way on the other side of the store...
Until next time...
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Stream of Grocery Store Consciousness
This is what it is like when I go shopping.