Sunday, December 06, 2009

Attack of the Killer Phone Books


InBrightRed, originally uploaded by carolsLittleWorld.

This is a public service announcement.

It's almost the new year. With the new year comes joy and good tidings for happiness, world peace, and love for our fellow man. The holidays bring us together in the spirit of....oh who am I kidding? Come January, the new crop of phone books come out. As the new crop of phone books come out, our front porches are all going to look like giant yellow bricks. We're going to be up to our eyeballs in it-lots and lots of new phone books. They'll be phone books with coupons in them, phone books from telephone companies you've not heard of, phone books from AT&T that weigh a ton, tiny little phone books designed to get your attention. The world will turn into a yellow brick mound of 4-1-1 goodness, the likes of which, well, let's just say they'll be a ton of phone books floating around and leave it at that, ok?

So, what to do with all of the old phone books? Maybe even some of the new ones, you know, the ones you don't really want but somehow managed to make it to your doorstep anyway? How many phone books does one single human being actually need? What is the meaning of life and why are there so many yellow bricks laden across my front stoop? Why? Why? (I am but a humble telephone caller.)

Recycle-sure that's always an option. Encaustics-there's another. Collage. Make yourself two inches taller without wearing heels. Rip them in half to prove your manhood. Count how many plumbers there are in your neighborhood (don't count the lawyers-there's too many of them to count!) Cover them in adobe mud, stack them and start making a small shed in your backyard, suitable for things like, you know hiding those 22 bodies you don't know what to do with since you last happy axe murdering spree. Ah, yes, there are lots and lots of uses for old phone books, the least of which is look up an actual phone number. Does anybody use a phone book for that anymore? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

(This has been a public service announcement from Carol's Little World. What out for the start of phone book season. If you're not careful, it'll kill you.)

Until next time...

7 comments:

A Voice From Now said...

I hadn't even thought of that. I mean, I still use phone books. The New Year is almost upon us. 1965, here we come.

Carol said...

Lots and lots of phone books, I tell you. My doorstop is flooded with them. It seems like they keep coming for about a month too.

How does that line go, "and everyday the paperboy brings more..." (Eeep!)

mythopolis said...

You put them in the blender, and make paper mache facsimiles of phones.

Postcards from Wildwood said...

What a weird and wonderful place Texas must be! We just have one phone book, and it's less than 1 inch thick!

mythopolis said...

I must admit that I moved from the city to the country to escape the endless phone books. But, even here, as I stare at the sky, I realize the yellow pages are slowly creeping my way. I can see them on the horizon. My days are numbered. There's just one kind favor I ask of you. Please see that my grave is kept clean.

Carol said...

One phone book? Oh lucky, lucky, lucky. I'm surprised we don't have people from AT&T knocking on the back door asking, "would you like to make a call?"

Don't worry, Mythopolis, if I live long enough I'll try to keep your grave clean and "directory free" (as it were.)

I like the idea of the blender though...I might have to seriously consider that one...

mythopolis said...

Pages of the phone book are perfect pulp for paper mache! Maybe even a new kind of adobe brick. and much lighter than mud! It s already being done in City of the Sun on the New Mex/.Mexico border.